By Seamus Anthony
I like to meditate; I can do it for hours. It was a very liberating experience discovering meditation. Not because I became suddenly enlightened or anything unrealistic like that but simply because it gave me an excellent excuse to do what I already loved to do so well – NOTHING.
Because that’s what meditation is basically, it’s sitting around doing nothing.
Sweet. How hard is that?
Not when you’ve had as much practice at it that I have. You see I come from a long line of very, very lazy dudes. When faced with the choice of doing something constructive or simply sitting down with a nice hot cup of tea, the people in my family always choose the couch and cuppa option.
But meditation gives you a great way to do much the same but come off as looking a lot more constructive than you really are.
It’s a bit like how governments reclassify unemployed people (by putting them into training programs) so that they can say the unemployment rate has gone down.
In the past, when my girlfriend walked in on me sitting on a milk crate staring at the plumbing attached to the outside of the back-wall of the house and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing, I used to have no choice but to mumble “uhhh, nothing …sorry” and then rush off to do the dishes or whatever to make amends.
Nowadays I puff my chest up, act all insulted, “DO YOU MIND? I am MEDITATING and you are disturbing me! GO AWAY!”
So I reckon being a Zen master teaching meditation would have to a pretty cool job. I would be perfectly qualified for that job. And what a job! Power over people and a complete lack of any task whatsoever. I should start my own “consultancy” and charge fifty bucks a head per hour…
I can imagine it now… (insert Happy Days-style ‘daydream sequence’ wobbly-lines fade-out here)
“How to Sit on a Cushion and Do Nothing” By His Supreme Holiness Zen Yogi Master Seamus Shrinduparindada LazynaraTao
The Master walked in, said “Right you lot – just sit there and shut up!” and promptly did the same.
After ten minutes one of the students put up his hand to ask a question – “I just wanted to enquire as to my posture-”
“Posture?” squawked the Master “POSTURE? What the hell has posture got to do with anything?” He stood up, revealing a back that has been trained as a child to fit perfectly to the contours of any couch. He was a human banana; a walking text-book example of full-scale scoliosis.
“Look at me – I am a MASTER! Do you see me worrying about my posture?” Sitting down again, the Master scowled at the class wearing an expression of open contempt.
“Stop thinking about anything, including your posture – and just sit there and shut up.”
A hand shot up.
“But sir, I read that you should sit up and …”
“Shut UP! How do expect anyone to learn how to meditate if you keep TALKING?”
Ten minutes pass. Most of the students, beginners all, can’t stop wriggling and shuffling on their cushions.
Another ten minutes ticks past. One young lady has dropped off to sleep and is snoring ever so slightly. The Master silently rises and walks to where this young lady is having her lotus-nap. He pokes her gently with his foot and whispers:
“Excuse me love.” No response.
“Hel-loooo.” Still nothing.
“OI! MATEY! WAKE UP! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING NOTHING – NOT SLEEPING!”
That did the trick.
After the group had practiced sitting still and doing nothing for about as long as it took for two people to quietly leave the room (one of them sobbing) and another one to run out screaming about “the voices, the voices”, the Master glances at his Rolex and realizes that his hour of hard work is nearly up.
“Stop meditating and listen up” he barks, “It’s question time.”
(And this is the truly awesome thing about being a self-professed Zen master – you don’t have to know anything because it is in your job description to ridicule any question you are ever asked as being irrelevant and to speak in completely impenetrable riddles.)
Your Meditation Questions Answered
Student: So if I find that I can’t stop thinking while I am meditating what should I do?
Master: Last week I had a really tasty tuna sandwich.
Student: While I was meditating I had a really grand vision of a woman riding a white horse. She brought me a message of peace and prosperity and asked me to share it with the whole world. Was this vision a valid meditation experience?
Master: When we are done here I would appreciate it if you’d stack your cushions in the cupboard up the back.
Student: My back and bum gets all stiff and sore when I meditate.
Master: That’s because your posture’s all wrong – DON’T YOU PEOPLE LISTEN TO A WORD I SAY?
Student: I think I have reached enlightenment!
Master: Oh yeah – sure you have – one meditation class and now you’re the master already?
It’s not as easy as that you know. It’s not like you can just apply yourself and expect it all to fall into place!
It takes many years of training – you must learn to do absolutely nothing ALL OF THE TIME.
Your problem is that you are too motivated. Check your attitude kid or forget about it. I started doing nothing when I was a small boy – you’re forty! You’ve spent your life building up a business empire by always doing things! Being constructive. You’re a mess! Don’t make me laugh!
Student: Now that I have begun my journey into Universal Consciousness, what should I do next.
Master: You should give me that fifty bucks you owe me and get the hell out of here!