By Seamus Anthony
1) Lazy People Are Good For the Environment:
Lazy Dudes consume less. It makes sense: if you are too lazy to earn the big bucks, and too lazy to enjoy the (dreadful chore that is) shopping, then you just get by without a lot of stuff and this makes you an eco-warrior.
Put it this way, we need to stop using so much energy if we’re gonna save the planet right? Well, who do you think just opted to kick back and not drive anywhere for a few days? Not Anthony Robbins, that’s for sure.
2) Lazy People Are Safer:
Driving fast takes a lot of effort. It’s way easier to cruise just below the speed limit. Try not to drop the roach though, that can cause complications.
3) Lazy People Cause Less Noise Pollution:
If you’re lazy like me you get all self-righteous and grumpy on weekends when all those damn un-lazy psychos are out with their whipper-snippers and lawn-mowers making a bloody great racket. Why can’t they just do what me and all the other Lazy Dudes are doing – nothing much. Sure, the lawn might be out of control but A) who cares? and B) at least you can snuggle into bed at night knowing you weren’t responsible for any shift-workers going to work all sleep deprived due to edge trimmers and leaf blowers and then losing an arm in an industrial accident.
Motivated husbands of the world – hang your heads in shame.
4) Lazy People Promote World Peace:
You ever hear of a perennially Lazy Dude joining the Army? U-Uh.
Case in point: John and Yoko doing their whole bed-in routine. If everyone was as lazy as those cats were, there would never be another war ever because running around doing push ups and making your bed at 5am is hard work man!
5) Lazy People Provide Others With Awesome Career Opportunities:
I regularly see complete weeners with fantastic high paying careers.
You think the weener whose job I want would have their sweet gig if I was actually motivated enough to try and take it off him? No way!
I may be a Lazy Dude, but I am as cool as … you know … something refrigerated – okay?
If I were to walk in to their office with so much as an ounce of artificial motivation, that weener’s home for an early lunch (hopefully not to find his wife shagging some other ice cool Lazy Dude).
6) Lazy People Are Extremely Generous:
This is a bit like the employment thing.
Just say I had one of those hard rock candy things on a stick – the kind you get at the fair.
Now, I was probably planning to just sit on the steps all day and suck on it until my tongue was in shreds and my teeth that little bit closer to falling out, but then you come along and take it off me. I’m too lazy to do anything about that, which is the same as being generous for all practical purposes, if not intents.
7) Lazy People Make the Best Music:
Fact: I have never known a decent musician who was NOT a completely lazy, self-centered twat (myself included).
We make shocking flatmates but hey – can we strum a sweet ballad .
By the way, all those uber-motivated types you see bouncing up and down in video clips are not decent musicians. They are weird little ego-maniacs who need to read this post something fierce.
8 ) Lazy People Are Naturally Enlightened Masters:
Other people pay good money to learn how to meditate, then spend a week going bananas in some freezing cold temple while their minds do high speed laps inside their buzzing skulls.
Lazy Dudes spend so much time just happily staring into space, their minds a complete void of any content whatsoever, that they generally cross the enlightenment event-horizon in their mid-to-late twenties.
This is of course, where the old expression “Sipping frosty home-brew, reach enlightenment, still sipping frosty home-brew” originated from.
9) Lazy People Make the Best Gurus:
Spiritually enlightened they may be, but the fact remains that the average Lazy Dude will always be too habitually slack to ask you to stop coming around to their house just to sit cross legged at the foot of their couch all day (although they may grunt at you to get your head out of the way of the x-box).
Also, Lazy Dude Masters are incorruptible; they will never get it together to charge anyone for the above privilege.
(However it is a universal unspoken rule that you leave a small contribution on the fridge for any brewskies or *cough* other “peripherals” you may consume during your contemplative retreat.)
10) Lazy People Don’t Expect Anything Much Of Others:
This is the greatest thing about the wee Slack Folk. Unlike all the other demanding so-and-so’s that just never seem to get out of your face with their “urgent” this and their “important” that, us Lazy Dudes want but one thing from you: for you to call and order the pizza.
That’s right – us Lazy Dudes are a pretty easy bunch to please. We’re mostly happy just to quietly group up into little cliques of two or three and you know – bowl, drive around and enjoy the occasional acid flashback.
So the next time you feel like peeing on some Lazy Dude’s rug, think long and hard about whether it’s worth it. Because individually and as a whole, we Lazy Dudes are of such great benefit to the world that we pack a pretty awesome karmic punch.
And besides, you know, this aggression will not stand … man …